displacement

sometimes, i'll find myself fixated on my little kids' faces. they're so perfect and supple. i start trying to imagine them as older people...like adults. i know i shouldn't do this, they're whole beings as they are. this reminds me of lai, when she talked about people growing up - the kid that grows up into an adult is trapped in that time and space forever. that kid was a person, and the adult the kid turned into is a different person. i like that idea of being different people, but at the same time, i think it's tragic.

the other day, i was telling teresa about the mini c.v. reunion i had going to joellen's wedding. i told her that people acted the same, behavior-wise, while their thoughts and feelings were probably different. she observed that it's ironic i say that...since usually people think vice versa - that people inside never change while the outside does. maybe both are true for different people. i go back to looking at those kids...and i wonder if any part of that kid will stick with the adult...even if muddled through the years. i wonder if the 5-year-old mei is still in me or outside of me. if i act anything like her or think anything like her. i hope i do...because children are beautiful.